Starting Over Again....

Well, it seems that I fell apart there for a while... and I know EXACTLY when it happened.  It all happened when I found out that Clayton College screwed me out of money and an education.  Everything all of a sudden felt kindof pointless.  And even though I really did try (and thought I was succeeding) to look at it as a new beginning, it really just felt like an ending on something that I didn't want to close. 


It's amazing how easy it is to tell what emotions I am feeling just by looking at my house.  Going on that piece of information, you have probably guessed that it fell apart.  Well, not totally.  I did manage to get my garage clean.  And I mean... CLEAN!  I worked my butt off on that, and it kept me in fairly good spirits.  We now have our garage floor refinished to look kinda tie-dyed...  which, as most of you know, is right up my alley.  And we also have a pool table in there, so that I have something to do when I'm home.  Also, my blog fell apart.  I didn't want to write about being depressed, and I didn't want to write about feeling like an idiot and a failure.  But, it is what it is, and I think if I HAD written about it, then I would have seen things a bit clearer.

But I've progressed a lot. I finally found something ELSE that I want to pursue.  I've applied to go to Lander University for my M.Ed. in Montessori Education.  And I'm totally excited about starting in January.  I have also started babysitting on a fairly full time basis.  The two boys I look after are angels.  It is very rare that I have a "hard" day.  The money is actually just enough to keep us afloat, and if I can just keep it up like this, then in a couple of years, when I actually have a job, we'll be much better off and finally financially stable.  Gosh, I can't wait for that.  I don't like trying to make ends meet and not doing it.   I'm not "official" yet, but for all practical purposes have already been accepted.  I've passed the GRE and all of my letters of reccomendation are in, as well as my college transcripts.  Also, the lady in charge of the program has been working with me on placing me in my internship that will start next fall at a school here in Rock Hill.  So, while my house has been fairly stagnant, I HAVE been using some building blocks to get things going.  It's just hard to see that sometimes. 

On top of all that we had the sickies going around the household for a total of about 3 weeks.  While I was only sick personally for about 3 days, the other 18 days consisted of me taking care of everyone else.  Which meant MANY interrupted sleep nights.  I found myself being a walking zombie all day.  Then there's this point where you just see everything piling in on you that you don't know where to begin at all.  I write all this in part hoping no one will read it, because I don't want to admit to letting it all go.  But I also write it in part to show others that it's not just them that this happens to.  I am not chronically depressed, or have anxiety problems, and I still go through issues with my house.  It's a part of life.  And it can get better.

Then this past sunday I woke up and, within an hour of being awake, I could not move my left arm.  No trauma that I can remember...  Mikey wanted me to go to the ER, but I was pretty stubborn about that one.  It was halloween, I didn't want to miss out on the party we were going to with the kids, and I didn't want to pay the ER copay if I didn't have to.  After all, it really wasn't an 'emergency'.  So, monday morning I called my family doctor and went in to see him at 10:30.  He referred me to an Orthopaedic doctor at 1:15 that afternoon.  The xrays showed that I have a large calcium deposit in my left shoulder.  Apparently it's been growing there for years in order to be as big as it is.  He gave me a shot of cortizone, which has eased my pain into a mild discomfort.  But, I don't feel comfortable going in for more cortizone shots, which he said might have to happen.  The other medical option is to have laproscopic surgery on the shoulder to scrape it out.  I've been looking around on the internet, and it seems that stretching the area on a regular basis helps to ease the pain.  So, starting monday I will be doing yoga at home with my hubby.  Gotta love Mikey.  I know he doesn't really WANT to do yoga with me.  But he volunteered because he knows that I'll do it if he gets up with me.  Yet another reason I love my husband. 

So, yes, another chapter HAS INDEED begun.  And I'm going to take it one day at a time.  I'm not going to look at this as something to 'tackle'.  It simply has to be done.  I have to take better care of myself.  I have to take better care of my house. 

So, today I am starting the Flylady all over again.  But this time I'm gonna do it right.  I really AM going to go through all 30-odd babysteps that she talks about, over the course of 30 days.  One per day.  I won't skip ahead, I won't do two more in one day... I'm going to do it the way it's meant to be done.  And I will also wake up and do my yoga in the mornings...  and begin each day with a new quote to meditate on.

Today's quote, even though I don't have yoga to go with it:  "It's amazing, isn't it, how some people see the basket half empty and others see it half full. Some see life hopeless, others hopeful. Even when things are less than perfect, if you can think of the good, the beautiful, the hopeful, you'll be more than sustained--you'll conquer."

January starts a whole new chapter of my life, and I'm ready to get it going.  But this is no "new year's resolution".  I don't have to wait until then to start doing better.  I will begin right now.  Today.  The only thing I really have to wait until January for is school to begin. 

Baby step #1:  Shine My Sink